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Ksenia Brief

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Making peace with where I come from šŸ” I ran aw Making peace with where I come from šŸ” I ran away from my Russian identity as fast as I could, as soon as I could. I moved to USA when I was 20, learned how to speak English with no accent, and set aside my deep ancestral roots. It had been my dream to live somewhere ā€œwhere yellow school buses are and where they speak Englishā€ since I was very young. And nowā€¦ I was living my dream in California! The only things that tie me to where I come from, or so I thought, are my family and my childhood memories of foraging mushrooms in beautiful, mystical Russian forests. What was it that was pulling me to live on a different continent? Maybe it was the memory of having spent the first 5 years of my life in Australiaā€¦ Or maybe it was my future calling me inā€¦ Either way, I never felt like I belongā€¦ like I can be fully myself in Moscow, where I lived for 15 years. So I cut out a huge chunk of my identity, hoping my soul wouldnā€™t notice it. But that piece has been knocking on my heartā€™s door, asking to be integrated with compassion and love. Itā€™s been especially active since my sonā€™s birth. At first, I found it awkward to speak Russian to him. Itā€™s my first language, but I barely get to speak it anymoreā€¦ and I felt like I barely know my Russian speaking identity. But I stuck with it. My soul sister @zayakisaa has been teaching me modern Russian slang during our time together in Portugal, and then I got to have a full on Russian language immersion by spending a week with my whole Russian family in Egypt. I thought that trip was meant for Zion to meet his family, but what happened blew me awayā€¦ I got to meet an aspect of myself I had abandoned. Thereā€™s nothing to hide. Nothing to be ashamed of. ā€œLet go of self-imposed, limiting labelsā€, is the message I keep hearing. So Iā€™ve been learning to soften, accept and love where I come from, my past, my ancestry, and all the work that has been done before me, for me to be able to walk the path Iā€™m walking for me and for the whole lineage, backward and forward. This perspective makes me marvel at the life of adventure, abundance and connection I get to live. For that, Iā€™m infinitely grateful. šŸ•ÆļøšŸ¤šŸ™šŸ¼
A beautiful perk of being a mom that no one told m A beautiful perk of being a mom that no one told me about šŸ™ŒšŸ¼ šŸŽ¶ Madre Naturaleza by @joaquin.del.mojo
I completely lost myself. And I didnā€™t even real I completely lost myself. And I didnā€™t even realize it. I was running on a full tank of forgetfulness. It started a year ago exactly. That day, I felt more energy move through my body than ever before in my lifeā€¦ the energy of my ancestors, and everything Iā€™ve been and have yet to become. The final push - the one that led to my son being in my arms - required a level of surrender and humility I hadnā€™t imagined before. The long days and nights that followed didnā€™t feel hard. Breastfeeding came naturally. But what I didnā€™t realize is that in a haze of hormonal highs, I was living further and further away from my Truth. From being a vessel for creation aside from being a mother. Two months ago, everything in my external world exploded. Everything changed: where I live, who I live with, and who I spend time with. Continued in carousel šŸ‘‰šŸ¼šŸ¤
My sweet little boy, today you turn 1. I remember My sweet little boy, today you turn 1. I remember very first time I felt you flutter in my belly at a Trevor Hall concert. My belly was barely showing, but my dear friend @jasmin.gardens made sure I had a comfortable seat in the sea of standing people. It was the first time I allowed myself to be publicly pregnant. After the concert, we got my favorite brisket tacos in Austin. At the end of the dinner, my blood test results came back. They revealed that you are healthy (thank you, Divine!) & that youā€™re a boy. At first, I was intimidatedā€¦ I didnā€™t grow up around boys & never had close friends that were boys. Would I know how to connect with you, how to love you? You started revealing your personality early on. Spunky & strongā€¦ towards the end of the pregnancy, youā€™d kick so hard in my belly, Iā€™d wonder just how in the would itā€™s possible. Now that Iā€™ve seen your v-ups and your gripā€¦ Iā€™m amazed by your strength and agility every day. Deep & soulfulā€¦ we stuck together through 2 days of long and uncomfortable labor. We courageously threw away our plan for a gentle water birth at home, and trusted the redirection towards the hospital. When you came out, one eye open, you laid on my chest and looked straight into my soul. Iā€™ll never forget that moment. Social & affectionateā€¦ youā€™re so brave, fun, and loving! I adore watching you make friends, interact with family, and awaken play in everyone with your cute wave. Youā€™re a true heart melter! Curious & inquisitiveā€¦ you can be surrounded by toys, but youā€™ll go on to study door locks, the moulding, and the tiniest of cracks on the walls. Your ability to notice & figure things out blows me away. Adventurous & playfulā€¦ you roll around the bed laughing when we check into our room, no matter how tired you are. I love our joyful travel rituals together! My little Zion, I canā€™t imagine life without infinitely loving you. It comes so easily. Last night, I stood on a remote deck under a blanket of bright stars somewhere in Spain & a shooting star made its wavy way down the sky. I wished for you to have the most miraculous birthday a little boy can have. I love you, Zion. Thank you for choosing me as your mamaā™„ļø
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